Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You've changed since you got that strap on
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
