How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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