I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
