i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
