just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
