Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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