when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
