I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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