My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I think I just sharted jello shots
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