It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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