dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
