Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
