He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
she told me i tasted like america
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
