I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
