I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Pooping to opera.
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