2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
