it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
