my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
