my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
