When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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