i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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