I've blown a few things in my day
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
