I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
