Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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