Yo dont text me then not text me
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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