A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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