Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
