They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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