her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
