i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
pray to the hookup gods
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
