i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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