I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
