All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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