Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
