the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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