Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
