I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
