Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
