i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
