no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
