He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
