you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
