I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
