If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
He passed out mid-signature
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
