Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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