I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
