no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
