I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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