how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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