party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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